Deconstructing the People-Pleaser: Reclaiming My Voice and Finding Genuine Connection

Recently, I had someone ask me what I admire in a potential partner.

Off the top of my head, I replied with “self-awareness, independence, curiosity, growth mindset, open and honest communication, consistency and a good sense of humor.”

In stating these attributes, I know that it is setting a bar that could turn someone in a different direction than pursuing me. And I’m fine with that (now).

One thing I have learned is that life is short and I want to make the most of it every single day. This also means that I need to take an assessment of how I approach my time and where I give my energy to.

Being honest with myself on what I want and need has allowed me the opportunity to be open and honest with others from the start. This has saved so much time and misguided energy for all parties involved.

I’ve been in relationships (romantic, professional and personal) where that kind of authenticity wasn’t at the forefront of my communication and thoughts. Repeatedly, I found myself in the people pleasing mindset. Instead of being true to my desires, I settled for what I thought others would want from me in hopes that I could control the outcome.

This left me feeling frustrated, defeated, resentful, apathetic, confused, angry and upset.

It wasn’t until I started becoming more aware of the inherent value that I bring to any relationship, that I gained confidence to speak my truth no matter what lies on the other side of that discovery.

As a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you it has, surprisingly, been one of the most liberating things that I have ever learned. Not to mention the positive impact that it has had on my relationships.

I’m curious to hear your perspective on this topic.

1. Which of these qualities do you find most important in a partner?
2. Have you ever struggled with people-pleasing? How did you overcome it?
3. What are some challenges you face in being honest and authentic in your communication?

This article was originally posted on Medium (Oltman, Dustin. "Deconstructing the People-Pleaser: Reclaiming My Voice and Finding Genuine Connection." Medium, 30 May 2024, https://medium.com/@dustinoltman/deconstructing-the-people-pleaser-reclaiming-my-voice-and-finding-genuine-connection-6040d2bf37d5)